Maturity: maybe it's just not for me.

So, even though things didn't work out in the end with the hometown guy, we've stayed somewhat in touch since we broke up last September. He's still a nice guy, and we've exchanged some friendly emails over the past several months. When he wrote me last weekend to say that he's seeing someone new, someone he started seeing shortly after Christmas, I wrote back wishing him well. Yeah, it hurt a little bit when I first read the news in his email, but then I thought about it and realized, there's no reason for this to hurt; we've been broken up for months, life has moved on in the meantime, I'm used to not having him in my life anymore; this news doesn't affect me in any way. I'd still like to consider him a friend, which means I hope he's happy, so yes, I'm fine with this, and I can wish him well and mean it. And move on.

Then a couple days later, I received an email notification that he'd added me as a friend to Facebook. I really wasn't using Facebook much at all back when we were dating, so I'd never thought to add him as a friend back then. I guess he wasn't using it all that much back then either. Well, I thought, we're friends, aren't we? We said let's keep in touch, and meant it, yes? So, yes, ok, we're Facebook friends. That's fine.

Once again, though, I felt a little bit of hurt, couldn't help it really, when I checked out his profile and saw the proclamation of "in a relationship" on his page. Just another reminder that what we once had is long gone, and that he's found someone new to love. And of course, I haven't. Which is probably why there's that little bit of pain; I doubt I would feel it if I were all excited about someone new myself. You know? So, once again, I reminded myself about how I was fine with all this, life has moved on, just staying friends, which is a good thing, ... quite mature of me, of us, really, I told myself, feeling somewhat proud and good about that.

I've added a few other new friends on Facebook since then. Well, mostly some family members. I've started signing on more, actually using it a little, kind of getting into it. Seeing what all the craze is about.

What I hadn't counted on, though, was all those updates I'd get on my home page every time I sign on. Alerts about new updates on my friends' pages. Rather, I hadn't thought about the fact that now, every time I log on to my Facebook page, I'll see news alerts updating me about new stuff on my ex's page. Including, of course, comments exchanged back and forth between him and his new girl on his wall; comments his friends leave on his wall about his new girl; his updated profile picture, showing him with his new girl, both looking all nice and happy; her comment below that update, saying "aww, that's my new background on my desktop;" all this happy happy happy new and exciting lovey stuff.

And what I'm realizing now is, maybe I'm not quite as mature as I'd hoped, as I'd like to think I am. Because even though I've tried to be logical, tried even to ignore, I can't help but think to myself now, each time I log onto Facebook and see new alerts on my home page .... "goddammit, I'd like to throw this motherfucking computer against the motherfucking wall and watch it smash to motherfucking bits. Motherfucker." And I'm afraid that's just not very mature.