postscript

When I was in law school, I had a relationship that, while not my longest relationship by far, was in a way I think my most intense, passionate, fulfilling relationship to date. I fell head over fucking heels crazy in love with this guy. I could go on and on about the many reasons that I was mad for that one particular boyfriend above all others, but the main point of bringing it up right now is one of the things about him that just really did it for me: he could calm me, in a way that is kind of hard to describe .... For instance, there was this one night I remember when I was about to start a new summer internship the next day, and while I was excited about it, I was also just really brimming over with too many thoughts and anxieties and worries and anticipations and shit about it, and too filled with energy in general to be able to go to sleep that night, but knowing that I should get a good night's sleep because I wanted to wake up rested the next morning and get a good start to my first day there. My boyfriend, who was not starting a new job the next day, wanted to hang out and relax and smoke a joint and drink some bourbon with his friends that night, rather than listen to me go on about my thoughts and anxieties about the new job and then go to bed early with me. But seeing the mood I was in, and knowing without me having to say it (or even realize it for myself) what would most calm me, he canceled his plans with his friends, took me into my bedroom, and totally seduced me, running his hands all over my body, doing all sorts of things to me with his fingers and his mouth and, finally, his cock, and taking his time about it, being so gentle and slow at times that all I could think about was how good each and every touch felt, and being so passionately overpoweringly strong and hard and fast and furious in driving himself into me at other times that I just couldn't think about anything at all, until finally I was so spent and sated that I fell fast and deeply asleep curled up against his warm body, and I tell you what, I was incredibly rested and relaxed and ready to tackle the day and the new job that next morning.

A couple years ago, I threw a party at my house for people from my job. I was a little stressed out about the party once the day came, wanting to make sure I had everything I needed and hoping it would go well and stuff. I had a new kitten, a frisky little thing, and people wanted to see her, so I let her out, but once she realized there was a lot of food set out on the dining room table she zeroed in all her attention on trying to get to that food, and I started to get stressed out by having to keep my eye on her and pick her up and head her off and control her squirming little rambunctious body that was just trying so hard to figure out how to leap up onto the dining room table when I did pick her up that I couldn't enjoy myself just talking to people. My law clerk at the time was there, in my living room, hanging out talking to some people. He noticed what was going on with me and the kitten, saw I think that it was causing me some stress, and without saying anything, came over to me and took her from me and carried her back to his seat in the living room, sat her in his lap, and stroked her with his hands, as he continued his conversation with the guys he'd been talking to. I watched and was mesmerized as that rambunctious food-craving little ball of kitten energy settle herself on his lap, underneath his stroking hands, purring, eyes contentedly shut, and became somewhat irrationally jealous of the way his strong masculine hands were gently calming and seducing and bringing complete contentment to my little kitten. And I was so grateful that he did that, so that I didn't have to worry about her, but at the same time, once I witnessed that, all I wished was that I could kick everyone but him out of my house, and let him work the magic of his strong calming soothing caressing hands on my own body.

This is the kind of contact that I am missing, the kind of contact that I am talking about in my earlier post tonight about being sleepless and empty and longing ... it could be a long marathon of hot sex, or it could be just being gently petted by sure and strong hands, I just fucking wish I had it right now. That's the kind of thing I miss, and crave ... the kind of thing that makes me cry because I no longer have it, and haven't for a long time now. Especially on nights like this.