God? Is that you?

I had the strangest message on my voice mail when I came in to work this morning.

The speaker is an older man, grandfatherly-sounding, with a kind of gravelly voice. He didn't identify himself, and I don't recognize his voice. Here's what he said:

Hey there kid, I hope you have a wonderful day up there today and that you’re making progress on your, uh, on most of your lawsuits and your supreme court thing. Uh, good luck, and have a wonderful day. And my prayers, and all that you do. I’m so proud of you. Love you. Bye.

So was it a wrong number? A message meant for someone else? But the thing is, I DO have a lot of lawsuits going on right now, and more specifically and eerily, I DO have oral argument before the state supreme court next week, which I'm preparing for right now and am really nervous and stressed-out about (my first appellate oral argument ever, and it's before the state's top court to boot ... ugh) .... so it would kind of make sense, this message .... if only it had been left by someone I know. And I checked, and no one else in my office has argument coming up before the supreme court anytime soon; just me.

So what do you think? Wrong number? Meant for someone else? My dad with a severe case of strep throat that somehow totally warped his voice and his typical manner of speaking rendering him all but unrecognizable? Some random citizen out there who knows what I've got on my plate and just wanted to wish me well? My grandfather's ghost speaking to me from beyond the grave (and through voice mail)?

Or maybe I've been downing too much cough and cold medicine. This nasty cold does have me feeling loopy. Just to be sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me, though, I saved the message ... maybe I'll make someone else listen to it later today and try to help me figure it out. Hmm.

postscript

When I was in law school, I had a relationship that, while not my longest relationship by far, was in a way I think my most intense, passionate, fulfilling relationship to date. I fell head over fucking heels crazy in love with this guy. I could go on and on about the many reasons that I was mad for that one particular boyfriend above all others, but the main point of bringing it up right now is one of the things about him that just really did it for me: he could calm me, in a way that is kind of hard to describe .... For instance, there was this one night I remember when I was about to start a new summer internship the next day, and while I was excited about it, I was also just really brimming over with too many thoughts and anxieties and worries and anticipations and shit about it, and too filled with energy in general to be able to go to sleep that night, but knowing that I should get a good night's sleep because I wanted to wake up rested the next morning and get a good start to my first day there. My boyfriend, who was not starting a new job the next day, wanted to hang out and relax and smoke a joint and drink some bourbon with his friends that night, rather than listen to me go on about my thoughts and anxieties about the new job and then go to bed early with me. But seeing the mood I was in, and knowing without me having to say it (or even realize it for myself) what would most calm me, he canceled his plans with his friends, took me into my bedroom, and totally seduced me, running his hands all over my body, doing all sorts of things to me with his fingers and his mouth and, finally, his cock, and taking his time about it, being so gentle and slow at times that all I could think about was how good each and every touch felt, and being so passionately overpoweringly strong and hard and fast and furious in driving himself into me at other times that I just couldn't think about anything at all, until finally I was so spent and sated that I fell fast and deeply asleep curled up against his warm body, and I tell you what, I was incredibly rested and relaxed and ready to tackle the day and the new job that next morning.

A couple years ago, I threw a party at my house for people from my job. I was a little stressed out about the party once the day came, wanting to make sure I had everything I needed and hoping it would go well and stuff. I had a new kitten, a frisky little thing, and people wanted to see her, so I let her out, but once she realized there was a lot of food set out on the dining room table she zeroed in all her attention on trying to get to that food, and I started to get stressed out by having to keep my eye on her and pick her up and head her off and control her squirming little rambunctious body that was just trying so hard to figure out how to leap up onto the dining room table when I did pick her up that I couldn't enjoy myself just talking to people. My law clerk at the time was there, in my living room, hanging out talking to some people. He noticed what was going on with me and the kitten, saw I think that it was causing me some stress, and without saying anything, came over to me and took her from me and carried her back to his seat in the living room, sat her in his lap, and stroked her with his hands, as he continued his conversation with the guys he'd been talking to. I watched and was mesmerized as that rambunctious food-craving little ball of kitten energy settle herself on his lap, underneath his stroking hands, purring, eyes contentedly shut, and became somewhat irrationally jealous of the way his strong masculine hands were gently calming and seducing and bringing complete contentment to my little kitten. And I was so grateful that he did that, so that I didn't have to worry about her, but at the same time, once I witnessed that, all I wished was that I could kick everyone but him out of my house, and let him work the magic of his strong calming soothing caressing hands on my own body.

This is the kind of contact that I am missing, the kind of contact that I am talking about in my earlier post tonight about being sleepless and empty and longing ... it could be a long marathon of hot sex, or it could be just being gently petted by sure and strong hands, I just fucking wish I had it right now. That's the kind of thing I miss, and crave ... the kind of thing that makes me cry because I no longer have it, and haven't for a long time now. Especially on nights like this.

sleepless night

You ever have one of those nights where you just can't go to sleep, can't go to sleep, can't go to sleep ... and next thing you know it's almost 3 in the morning, and you're so fucking far from sleep that you realize you might as well just stay up at this point, because you've had nights like this before and you know that if you try to go to sleep at this point it probably will be close to 4 in the morning before you actually find that sleep, and then it won't be enough, because you have to get up and to to work in the morning, and you'll just be off-kilter and shit, or maybe oversleep, but you just know that it'll end up being worse than if you'd just stayed up? Plus you have a trial at 10 in another city that's an hour and a half away anyway, so it would really fucking suck if you overslept on this particular morning, especially since you still have stuff you need to do for it in the morning to get ready, nothing big, but just shit like getting all your stuff together and making a few phone calls and emails before it starts and what have you, and you want to feel like you had a decent amount of time to get dressed and shit too, so you really know it's just better at this point to stay up. But even though you are thinking a lot about work stuff, it's not the work stuff that's kept you up all night, it's the deep sense of unfulfillment in general with your life that's kept you up all night, the longing for sex, for intimacy, for the touch of a strong warm male hand caressing your body, that's really on your mind, the feeling like you're just not living a life these days, and haven't been living one for a few years now really if you think about it, and you just don't know how you can continue to take this emptiness, the emptiness that is in part the empty soft warm sweet part of your intimate body that's longing to be filled by a strong hard cock and in part the empty place in your heart that longs for human intimacy and relationship and happiness, and the emptiness isn't just a void kind of thing but a really deeply intense emotional kind of pain where you just feel it overwhelmingly, and you can't fucking rest because the feeling just won't give you any peace? I'm having one of those nights. And it sucks.

Oh Lord, please don't tell me that hot man-on-man sex is dead ...

I am not ashamed to admit this: I have masturbated several times to "Brokeback Mountain." I've watched it at home and had to take a break to go masturbate, and I've just plain thought about it in bed late at night and masturbated to it. As I once told my book club, (which subsequently didn't invite me back,) the man-on-man sex in that movie was HOT. I can't help it; it might make me a freak, but fuck, it turned me on. And apart from that, I just fucking LOVED that movie.

So tonight when I came home from my 9-fucking-hour-long deposition (the CONTINUED part of it, which had already gone 6 hours last week), and got online and clicked over to CNN and saw that Heath Ledger had died, man I was sad.

And then I had to go and read mike's post. (Ok, I didn't read his post right away ... only checked it out right before going to bed, and actually after emailing w/ him about other stuff anyway, so I wasn't thinking about Hot Heath all that time, but the point is ...) MAN it got me riled up. Because I cannot emphasize enough, (and if you read some of my old posts back when that movie first came out and man now I wish I'd never deleted them), I FUCKING LOVED that movie. I mean, come on ... hot masculine sexy rough manly cowboy men, gettin it on? It's female porn. And it was romantic to boot ... it was REALLY female porn. REALLY.

And while there's not much point to this post, other than to say how much I truly loved that movie and really was sad to see Heath died, I do want to share this little email exchange, because this pretty well sums it up:

Sadielady to Mike: Ok, I just read your post, and I have to say: HOW DARE YOU make fun of my favorite dead gay cowboy actor? Seriously, do you know how much I loved that fuckin movie? LOVED it. I got HOT over it.
and btw, you better fucking not be lumping me in with the "lonely fat women" group. b/c i'll fucking punch your lights out if you are.
not that there's anything wrong with that ...

Mike to Sadielady: i guess i should have added another category for you: extremely horny single women :P

Sadielady to Mike: damn straight. DAMN STRAIGHT. :P
in fact, you should do it now. as a ps for me. :P
seriously, i might have to just add this little convo to my own blog, as part of a reverential post to my favorite hot-man-on-man-sex actor ... expect it to come tomorrow, in fact. god i loved that movie. i masturbated to it a few times, i'm not ashamed to admit.

Damn you Heath, why'd you have to quit us? I was hoping for a sequel...

Wearing it out

Okay, now that a couple days have passed without word (what is up with guys?), I am wondering if perhaps I spoke too soon. Maybe his lunch-vibe and weekend-call-vibe was more in my head than for real ... I don't know.

But I tell you what, I am more excited these days than I have been in a long time. I'm, like, in uber-sex-mood. (Which is saying a lot.)

And so I thought I'd just tell you about an email I got tonight: a friend of mine, after reading my last couple blog posts, remarked to me "I bet you have been wearing out the rabbit lately anticipating this." And in answer I tell you ... I bought a 24-pack of AA batteries on sale at Target last week, and I've already used up 1/4 of them ... don't know if it's the battery life that sucks or how much juice the rabbit (which uses 4 AA batteries, which I replace whenever I start to feel like they're slowing down and not giving me as much vibration as I want) uses up or the fact that when I masturbate with the rabbit (which I do more than once a day) I tend to masturbate for anywhere between 30 minutes and an hour (this truly is my replacement for sex, I'm tellin' ya) ... but yeah, my sweet rabbit is getting some real use these days. And btw, dammit, I really should invest in stock in Duracell ....

Chemistry

This time, it was there. I swear; I felt it. Felt him feeling it too.

I had my first date with my eharmony match guy; we went to lunch on Friday. (Neither one of us worked that day, so it was a long lunch.) I had told him before our lunch date that I'd put down good money on the prediction that I'd probably be spending a lot of our time together over lunch thinking about what it would be like to go down on him, even if I didn't say it - - "just so you can enjoy knowing what I'll be thinking about while we're talking," I told him. "Funny, I'll be thinking about the same thing," he said.

I didn't see him again this weekend - he was totally busy, he'd already told me that before. I did talk to him though. Asked him what he'd been thinking about during our lunch. "Well, I admit I was focused on your mouth a lot of the time you were talking ..." Yes. And I have a good mouth. Seriously, nice lips. I knew that sending him that email before lunch would make it more fun ...

God, I'm bad. No ... not bad; just horny.

The future is looking bright. (Or, oh my ....)

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. If any of you have read my blog for long enough, and/or ever checked out my sex goddess blog, you must know by now that I am a very sexual person. Unfortunately I have not had an opportunity to express that in a one-on-one in-person situation for a couple of years now, due to unfortunate (to me anyway) living situation/circumstances, but that hasn't kept me from feeling and thinking the things I do ... and before this last great big dry spell, well, I managed to satiate my passions in lots of ways, with actual other living-breathing-here-in-person people. This dry spell though, given how long it's lasted, and the fact that every guy I've met at all here where I live in the past however-many years has just not seemed to be as interested, whether it's a natural conservative nature or unexposure or religion or old-fangled notions of "southern gentlemen" and "southern ladies" or just pure uninterest or what have you, well, it had pretty much about made me give up hope for the future and, even more depressing and unfair I now see, give up enough of my own interest to make me actually motivated to seek out what I so desire. Out of a sheer sense of boredom coupled with a feeling that I should at least make an actual token effort (I say token effort b/c I had no faith that it would pay out in the end) at finding something I've been lacking for so long, I signed up for eharmony, the online dating service you see all those cheezy commercials for on tv. I signed up in November, shortly before Thanksgiving, and frankly it was starting to look like what I had thought - - a waste of time and effort. I met a bunch of freaks and a bunch of bores online; I briefly held hope that one guy might be of real interest, but it just wasn't the case when we met in person a couple weekends ago. And so when I kept getting these nice emails from this one guy all this time that were kind of spread out and nice and interesting but in that really polite kind of way, I didn't expect it to turn out to be of any real interest to me ... and then when I found out he's another lawyer here in town, well, I was just about ready to write him off. But I tell you what, I am glad I didn't, at least yet ... because I tell you what folks, even though we have yet to have our first date, that's coming up this Friday, but we actually already know each other we realized (just from years ago when we once worked for the same big law firm here in town) and have been emailing and talking a lot these last few days, I am prepared to now say: I may have met my sexual match. Holy fucking shit, but the future is looking bright indeed....

Fun new distraction

So I posted yesterday about the guy I met through eharmony who I just talked to, finally, on the phone for the first time last night. And like I said, we talked for an hour and half, without even realizing how late it had gotten by the end of the conversation. Well, we exchanged work emails so that we could email during the day today (because my office filters our internet access so I can't log on to eharmony from work); and I probably spent a third of my time at work today (well ok, maybe not that much ... but at least a fourth of my time at work today) emailing him and reading his emails in return.

What I love about this is just the new interest, the distraction of the new interest, the feeling like I could keep writing forever in my emails to him and not get tired of it, the surprised smile that I smiled each time an email notification from him popped on my computer screen at work today, how after that first email I knew each of the next ones would be really enjoyable to read so each time one popped up I actually settled down with a new cup of hot tea (yeah, I'm into drinking hot tea right now, mostly instead of coffee and/or diet coke) for a good read. I like that his emails are a bit lengthy, conversational, entertaining and divulging new information each time; and I like that he likes that I tend to write emails the same way. (One of my very, very small pet peeves is when I find myself writing really long emails to good friends because I feel like I have a lot to tell them, and then only getting a very short email in reply, because that's just the way they are most of the time with email ... short and quick. It's anticlimactic to me. I like to settle in for a nice read when I see a new email from a good friend who I don't talk to face-to-face or over the phone very much, who I mostly just email with.)

So anyway, this is my new fun distraction, and I'm enjoying it. I figure it's going to taper down eventually and probably not turn into anything, because that's just the way things seem to go. But my day at work today sure did go by really fast, faster than usual, and he was the reason why, and that makes me happy at the end of the day.

And it was a long time around the circle, getting back to here ...

Tonight I had a first phone call with another eharmony match. This is the second guy I've met on this dating site that I've clicked with enough to actually talk to outside of email.

I had a feeling about this guy when I first saw his profile, I don't know what exactly, just enough of something to make me actually be the one to make the first contact, that was back in early December. We exchanged some basic information, then a few kind of bland emails, each correspondence several days apart. Then sometime last week the emails got more interesting, well I guess because we were getting to know each other better and so then you find more stuff you have in common to talk about and also you start to get a feel for the person's personality, and so then it got to be more of a daily exchange. I had told him what I do for a living at some point, but realized I hadn't asked him questions about his work yet - he had just listed "business professional" on his profile. (Like I said, our first exchanges here and there were kind of bland - kinda like that.) Then he wrote back and told me that he's a lawyer too. ("Surprised? (smiling)", he said after revealing that.) So after another email or two, I told him where I work, and also where I used to work. And about other non-work-related stuff too. Then he mentioned in an email that he'd like to talk; he said he thinks we have a lot in common, some of which might surprise me.

When he said that, about how we had a lot in common some of which might surprise me, I kind of had a feeling he might be about to go here ... and he did: he used to work for the same law firm I used to work for. But not just that: we actually overlapped. Back in 2000/20001, we overlapped; we worked for the same big firm for about a year. He is a few years older than I am, and so he was already there when I started; then he left to go to another firm while I was still there. (And he was a business lawyer, and I was a litigation lawyer, and the business lawyers and the litigation lawyers didn't mingle a whole lot.) And he remembers me; in fact he said that when he saw my picture on the eharmony site he thought to himself "I know her," but he couldn't place me, then it all clicked when I mentioned that I used to work at a big firm doing litigation defense work, so he figured it out sometime last week I guess.

I don't remember him very well, but I do have a kind of vague recollection ... he told me he was the coach of the law firm's softball team, and that he remembers talking to me to try to recruit me onto the team but that I seemed kinda shy about it and he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable and so he didn't press, and that's when I remembered: yes, I DO know who you are. And the funny thing is, I remember thinking that the coach of the law firm softball team was cute. In fact, that was part of why I got so shy when he came into my office to introduce himself and to try to get me to come out and join the team, is that I just felt like I was back in high school and he was the older cool kid, the popular and friendly good-looking jock guy, and I was the shy quiet girl who didn't know how to talk to that kind of guy. (Also I was just still kind of intimidated by my surroundings; I was a baby lawyer back then, brand new to it all, and working as an associate attorney for one of the most well-known and well-respected litigators in my state, and just in general feeling the need to keep my mouth shut so as not to make a fool of myself and do as much work as possible to keep "the man" happy.)

But times do change. Here it is 2008 now ... years later. He's back in the dating world after a divorce (he was married back when we first met). I'm still in it having never gotten married and having always been a bit on the slow track when it comes to dating I guess. And where I was almost painfully shy back then, too much so to really talk to him back then, I had a blast talking to him tonight. We talked for an hour and a half, and it really didn't feel that long to me. But at the same time, yeah, we talked about a ton of stuff ... including rehashing lots of stuff about the old firm.

Anyway ... It's just kind of funny, how things come back around that way sometimes. Familiar, yet different; you remember where you were, and there's some comfort in that commonality, but you also realize how really different you are now, and it's nice to see that other people are different now too.

I'm expecting to talk to him again tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. He said he'd be happy to meet me whenever I feel comfortable with that, but then he reminded himself that of course we've already met ... just years ago, and under completely different circumstances. Familiar yet different ... you see?

Maybe not putting the bra back on wasn't such a good idea after all...

10:30 Tuesday night. A few hours ago I made myself a little more comfy when I got home from work, by pulling off my black leather skirt and pulling on a faded pair of jeans, and by unhooking my bra and pulling it through the sleeves of my beige sweater. I had some dinner, I drank some wine, I watched some tv, and I exchanged some emails.

I was all set to go to bed, except that once I got up and started walking towards my bedroom my two cats got up too, all excited and expectant, and walking so close on my heels that I practically tripped on them, and I realized I really should go to the corner college mart at least and get them a can of tuna for dinner; even though they had plenty of dry food in their dish, they do like the canned stuff, which I haven't had any to give them for a couple meals.

So I walked my lazy ass on out to the car, drove the 3 blocks to the college mart, not even caring, at this hour and for this errand, that I hadn't even bothered to put my bra back on first. That is, until I put the car in park and looked through the windows of the store and saw who was working the counter ... the cute flirty guy. The one I haven't seen there in so many months that I thought he'd probably quit. And then, as I walked into the store, saw him see me, saw that big smile on his face and heard him say "hi sweetheart," picked up a can of tuna on a shelf near the door and made my way towards the counter, I realized, holy shit, I'm blushing hard ... and even though I was doing that stupid shy thing where I just smile a lot but can't bring myself to make eye contact with the guy, I could feel his eyes on my face, and then on my chest, and then I thought about my beige knit sweater and no bra, especially as my breasts swayed gently side to side as I made my way to his counter, and then I felt my nipples getting really hard, and then I blushed even harder.

And basically that's why I'm thinking that I must have a crush on the guy who works at college mart.

e-harmo-not

I had my first date with an eharmony match this past weekend. I'd say it was a good date overall .. but one of those dates where even though you can call it good, you can still tell there's not going to be a second one.

We got along really well; we both talked a lot, because we just kept coming up with tons of stuff to talk about. He made me laugh, and he laughed at stuff I said too. I could tick off lots of good qualities about him, based on what I know about him and my impressions of him: intelligent, really great dry sense of humor (my favorite kind), mature yet a little bit boyish too, cute in his own way. I think he saw good qualities in me too. So why, oh why, wasn't there any chemistry? Sigh.

Because that's what was lacking, I think; it seemed beforehand like we would get along great, and even though we basically did get along great, well, there just wasn't any spark there, no chemistry, no flirtation - - great conversation, lots of laughs, but in a purely friendly way; not in a flirty way.

I have to rank it as a successful first try though. With eharmony, and with just in general getting back out there again. Even though I think he and I both realized we're not going to be an eharmony success story, still, we both put forth a good effort, and had a nice day together. And you're never going to meet a guy you really like if you don't meet any guys at all, I figure. (That's my keen logic at work there. I'm smart that way.)

So now on to the next slew of new matches ... including one who told me he's definitely interested, and wants to talk on the phone if I'm up for it. Sure thing; I'm up for it - he seems really nice too, interesting, and kinda cute, based on his picture. I'm not going to get my hopes up about this one too much though - - after all, he is a lawyer, and as I know only too well, lawyers are often just no fucking fun to date.