Family

It's nice to have family, but it's tough too. You know? The funny thing is, and I guess it's nice in a way, you don't realize the tough part of it when you're a kid. Sure there are times that you get mad at your parents, but those times pass pretty quickly, for the majority of people. And the parents are always the adults during that time, and you're the kid, and so there's an assumption that they're in the right ... because they're looking out for you, as adult to child, that's their job.

But when you get older, and become an adult also, it gets tougher. Things aren't simplified in conversation, the way they were when you were a child. Things that were too adult for you to discuss with your parents when you were a child are no longer too adult ... because you're all adults. And when you have differences of opinions, when you even escalate into arguments over those differences, it's not as clear-cut as to who's right and who's wrong, or who should be listened to and respected the most, as it was when you were a child being raised by and taught by your parents.

And I don't know how it really is in other people's families; all I can really know is how it is in my family. What I do know, though, is there are vibes to conversations; vibes that you can actually feel. You know when everyone's having fun; you can feel it. You know when people are joking around; you can tell. You know when one person is venting about something and just wanting you to listen; it's pretty obvious. You also know when a conversation takes a serious turn, when it's about something worth paying your closest attention to and giving respect to; you can feel it in the air, and tell by the way people react, turning their bodies more towards yours, putting down any distractions they may have been involved in so that they can pay you full attention. And you can also tell when people get upset, get mad, get on the verge of crying ... and when they're disappointed. And it's tough; it's tougher to deal with as an adult than as a child. As an adult, you're more sensitive to it, or if not more sensitive then at least you understand it on a deeper level than you could have as a child, even as a teenager, and so it affects you more. And it's harder to deal with.

I have great parents, and I love them very much. Married 37 years - - 38 come April. When I think back on my childhood, I remember how great it was: I was lucky, super lucky, to have them as parents, especially compared to some other parents I know. But as I've become an adult, it's become harder and harder for us to be at ease and honest with each other. And one weird thing is that my older sister, who used to be completely at odds with them when we were young, when she was a teenager and then when she was in her twenties, is now so much closer to them, on the same wavelength, even more of a parent than they are sometimes. Whereas I, who back when she fought with them seemed to get along with them perfectly, am now the outsider of that tight little family circle; the one who just isn't as close, doesn't share as much, doesn't fit in as well.

It's just the holidays that has me thinking about all this. I remember this one Father's Day a few years ago, when I went down to my parents' house intending to spend the night, and during a nice candlelit dinner a subject came up that my mom and I got into a disagreement over, and she said stuff that to her may have seemed just honest but to me was really insulting, and she got emotional and I tried to use reason and logic to argue my point, which made her feel like I was ganging up on her to make her feel bad or something, and she got up, crying, and said she couldn't sit there anymore, and that she was going for a walk. And I got upset then; my own mother couldn't stand to sit at the dinner table with me, I'd upset her so much. So I got up too, picked up my bag, and said to my poor dad: "tell me what I said or did that was so awful. If you can tell me where I was at fault, I'll stay, and apologize." And he couldn't; he couldn't say anything. And so I left, and went back to my own house, about 100-something-plus miles away. And had a big ol' shot of bourbon when I got there.

Well there were other things before that, and other things after that, but that's one that's always haunted me, because it was Father's Day and my dad had nothing to do with it, yet it wrecked his Father's Day. Anyway ... since then, my parents and I really try hard to get along whenever we're together. But what makes it tough for me now, what makes it not as nice as it used to be way long ago when we were all really really close and of the same mind it seemed, is that now it all just seems a little too plastic. Everyone trying just a little too hard to get along, to be nice, to avoid unpleasantness. And the result is that you just don't get into deep conversations, or get into really real stuff with them anymore, your parents. And maybe that's the way it is anyway with most people; maybe that's ok, that it's like that. All I can do, though, is compare it to what it used to be. And that's why it just leaves me feeling sad.