contact

Unfortunately, I think that writing about my crush in a couple recent posts was a mistake. I say that because I had a meeting with that crush in my office on Friday, along with a couple other people, and every single time he made eye contact with me, all I could think was, "he knows I'm into him."

Totally paranoid thought process there. "I've been writing about how I like him, therefore it's become obvious, and he (and maybe everyone else in that meeting) knows I like him." Stupid and ridiculous, but there you go.

Of course, the biggest moment where I felt that was when he shook my hand. He's big on handshaking. I'm only into handshaking when I'm meeting people in a business setting for the first or second or so time; after that I'm not so into the handshaking, I figure we've met, we know each other, a hello should be enough. But that's just me. (Of course, as I write this, I am thinking to myself about all sorts of situations where I would probably have a natural inclination to shake hands with someone, outside of a first or second meeting in a business situation, so yeah, so much for that. Whatever.)

Anyway, my point is, I shook my crush's hand. And though I've shaken his hand many many times before, this was the first time where I felt my own heat in the handshake - a blush probably - and where I felt like my eye contact with him during the shake was giving away the fact that I'm attracted to him. And the first time where during the actual hand to hand contact, I was thinking to myself, "we're touching."

And never before have I been around him and thought to myself that I was giving off any kinds of thoughts or vibes of being attracted to him, even though I am, and have been. It's just that talking about it, even on an anonymous blog, and having my boss make that passing comment recently about how she thinks he likes me (I think she was reading it the other way around maybe and just putting it out there, but I'm probably being paranoid again), made me start to feel for the first time while around him that I was actually giving off total vibes that I'm attracted to him. Even though I probably (hopefully) wasn't.

I think it's guilt.