Why

My boss is retiring next spring. I've known this for a while now. I've known that when she leaves our office, she will be vacating a job position that will be filled; a position comes along with much more supervisory responsibility, much more responsibility in general, but also more salary. A big step up from my position, in other words.

I've known this, but I've tried not to think about it too much. Because I'm not looking forward to her leaving. (I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not the kind of person who takes well to change ... hmmm ... am I just now realizing this?)

First of all, and this is big: I'm going to miss her. Sure I'll still keep in touch with her, make an effort to get together with her socially from time to time. But I'm going to miss her being in the office every day. She's one of the only work friends that I have - maybe the only one, actually - due to the fact that she's the only other cool person who works in my office. (By other, I mean other than myself, obviously. Because I am so super cool.) What I really mean is, she and I get one another, and often no one else gets either of us, and usually neither of us gets why no one else gets us. It usually makes us laugh and shake our heads in perplexity (is perplexity a word? yeah, I've been drinking) and wonder why other people don't find such dark humor in everyday life as we do, why other people create drama and tension and anxiety where none should exist, why other people don't seem to be able to think logically at times, and why other people don't just drink more in general.(Seriously, drinking makes life better.)

So there's that, firstly.

Secondly, it's the big conundrum: do I apply for her job once she officially leaves? Do I want that job? And even if I do, will I get that job? What will it be like if I apply for it and don't get it, and then have to work for someone who I perhaps don't think is qualified enough for it, perhaps someone I don't even like in general, knowing that I've been specifically shot down for the bump up in position? What will it be like if I do get it, knowing the particular aspects of her job that I'm always glad I don't have to deal with, and knowing that I'll then have to deal with them myself, basically welcoming a ton of extra stress into my daily life? Will applying for that particular position in my office cut off any chances to make other life changes in the next year or so, or mean that I'm basically acknowledging that I'm not about to make any big life changes any time soon, as in a total change of job (to something else entirely) and/or change of city, changes I've been dreaming of taking for years, and will that be depressing? And finally, how can I not apply, frankly; how could I just continue in my present job and not even make an attempt for her position when it opens up, when for the past five years I've been reporting directly to her and am more familiar with most aspects of her job than anyone else in our office; won't it be expected, not just by others but also by myself if I have to admit it, for me to at least try for it, ask for it?

So those are the thoughts and questions that have been swirling around in the back of my mind for a while now. And for the past week or so, my boss has been trying to find a day that's convenient for the two of us to go out to lunch together, to discuss our case load and project how our trial calendars are going to look next year (already starting to fill up) and figure out how best to handle the transition that will occur when she leaves next spring, no matter who it is who replaces her. She doesn't get to make the decision as to who replaces her, of course; that's up to the big boss man. But she's planning to have a big sit down with the big boss man sometime soon, to go over these very issues with him, only she wants to talk to me about them first.

And I know, I just know, that when we have this conversation, which she wants to have outside of the office, the question is going to be posed by her to me: am I going to apply for her job? And the issue will be discussed: what recommendation, if any, will she make to the big boss man? And what insights, if any, does she have into my chances of getting that job if I were to apply, and what guesses does she have, if any, as to who would be likely to get the job if the big boss man doesn't give it to me?

And I'm just not ready to have that conversation yet. Or, you know, ever. So I've been putting off the lunch, and putting off the lunch, and putting off the lunch. Always with a perfectly valid, work-related excuse; after all, I have had many briefs due recently, have filed an appellate brief and a couple memoranda of law and responded to discovery requests all in several different cases and all right up on the filing deadline, and all within the past two weeks. So yeah, sure, I've been busy, too busy for lunch.

But I've also been too far up denial's asshole for too long about this job issue. And next Tuesday I'm going to have to start to really face it, because next Tuesday I'm having The Lunch, and of course with that, The Talk. And while The Lunch and The Talk aren't bad things - after all, this is my awesomely cool boss I'll be discussing all this stuff that I need to discuss anyway with - it still means that, basically, it's The Time to face The Shit. For Reals.

And the final question that still lingers in the back of my mind, longer than all the other lingering questions, and for which I have no answer: why is it, really, that I don't want to deal with any of this shit?