Man, I am so sick of my job. Disillusioned. Frustrated. Annoyed. Bored. All of the above.
It's not always been the best job, but in the past I did enjoy it much more than I do now. I'm sure my change in feeling is partly due to just being in the same job for a certain amount of time; you'd have to have an insanely perfect job (emphasis on insane) not to get somewhat sick of doing the same thing year after year after year. But more than that, in truth, I believe that the circumstances of my job have changed so drastically in the past year and a half that it truly is no longer the same job that it was when I first started with it. (All in frustrating ways, obviously. Were I to begin to list them, I could write for 20 minutes nonstop at least.)
Tonight I came home and wanted so badly to forget about work, to leave it all behind; to not think about the hearing I have tomorrow morning, or the meeting I have tomorrow afternoon that I'm dreading, or the many upcoming deadlines, or the many more small questions and emails, etc., that have come in in the past weeks that have required thoughtful answers and that I've just not had time to respond to, to the disappointment of people I wish I weren't disappointing.
So tonight I took out my paints, and my brushes, and a canvas that I had not touched for months. And I painted. And I finally relaxed, and became interested again, and went to a place where I actually enjoyed what I was doing in the moment. I mean, I totally forgot about everything else for a while, and it was like all I had to do in life was just paint my little painting, which by the way is looking really good, in my opinion.
And given that difference in mood, caused by the difference in activity, I've gotta wonder ... can I just quit my job and paint for a living? Please? Pretty pretty please? With a cherry on top?
Seriously, how does one manage to find something to do to make a living and pay the bills that doesn't annoy the shit out of one but rather, hopefully, maybe, gives one pleasure? Is that possible? If so, someone please explain it to me, so I can hop on board that train. Because I'm fucking fed up. (Until I pick up a paint brush, when amazingly enough I chill out so much that I don't even say words like "fuck." Unless I'm thinking about how much I'd like to fuck that friend of my sister's who is spending Thanksgiving with us up in the mountains next month. Oh yeah.)
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I don't have an answer for you, but I wish I did. You'll have to settle for a lot of empathy.
I need a new job too. I realized the other day that at any given moment, I am either 1) totally fed up with it and HATE it, or 2) just "ok" with it.
There is one case that I actually enjoy working on because it's both interesting, and the partner on it is nice and actually fun to work with. Most cases are awful, boring, and the partners do nothing but get in the way and change shit at the last minute.
I actually know very few lawyers who like their job. I can think of one, who works for the San Francisco City Attorney's office. But that's it.
My gf is starting a part-time MBA program in the winter. I think that while she's in class I'm going to work on my novel. I know it sounds cliche, but I actually miss writing for pleasure. Hopefully that will provide some sort of outlet.
Good luck!
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